Iron Cringe’s Sweatpants, Poor Planning, & “Fights”: Iron Fist Review – Episode 1-3

iron fist shirtless in a pose
2 cool 5 me

Iron Fist is the last origin series (preceded by Daredevil (Good), Jessica Jones (Great), and Luke Cage (Disappointing, see our season 1 review)) before the release of The Defenders this fall.

Here’s the trailer:

Will the Iron Fist tv series live up to hype that Daredevil and Jessica Jones brought the Marvel television universe, or will it end up being another piece of shit like Luke Cage?

DISCLAIMER: All my reviews have spoilers, so if you aren’t interested in them, do not continue.

Episode 1 Review: The Legend of Homeless Fist

We are introduced to Danny like he’s some San Francisco Polk Street crackhead walking the streets of NYC barefoot. He, along with his parents, were thought to be dead for the last 15 years. After spending years training in K’un-Lun to defeat the hand,  Danny decides that his first course of action is to walk straight into Rand Enterprises like some presumptuous dipshit and reclaim his rightful place. Though 15 years older, Danny still has the intellect of a child.

A Tangent

There are too many obvious Batman Begins similarities as well. Rich kid that stands to inherit billions and head his family’s company? Check. Orphan? Check. Said white kid ends up somewhere in Asia to train martial arts? Check. 10 year old kid stuck in a 25 year old’s body? No that’s just that retard Danny Rand.

Obviously, his plan to simply walk into Rand like some lunatic does not go as planned, and he ends up in a scuffle with security. This was the show’s first display of martial arts from the legendary Iron Fist, and it looks as good as you would expect from a white guy with zero martial arts experience. Finn Jones looks so rigid and unnatural in his movements that it makes you wonder if he prepared for this role at all, or if the show runners simply picked his name out of a hat.

Enter the Dragon

Terribly choreographed fighting ability and dressing like a hobo weren’t the only skills Danny picked up in K’un-Lun. Sleeping outside at night in Central Park like a true bum makes one wonder if Danny was actually just homeless, and made up K’un-Lun in his head. Here we encounter Colleen Wing, who gives Danny money, thinking he is as pathetic as everyone else does at this point.  She tells him that she only speaks Japanese or English after he tries to speak to her in Mandarin. That’s right, a woman with a Chinese last name that speaks Japanese instead of Chinese, and runs a Martial Arts school in Chinatown.

It’s only the first episode, so I’m hoping that things pick up after this. I could write another thousand words about how terrible this episode was, but in the interest of my sanity I’ll wrap it up as quickly as possible. Danny encounters Ward and Joy Meachum, his childhood friends. Ward is a bit of an asshole, and Joy is understandably very apprehensive about this homeless looking dipshit intruding on their lives. They don’t believe any of his bullshit

Bottom Line: F. Piece of shit.

Editor’s Note:

Andrew tapped out on the review, citing almost clinical symptoms of PTSD from it’s mediocrity. Some of his exact words:

“I can’t do that Iron Fist review.
I can’t finish that show either.
It was fucking torture just getting through the first few episodes.
I somehow made it to 7 and that was it.
I’ll never get that time back.”
“Making someone watch Iron Cringe would be a more effective torture technique than waterboarding.”
“I’m not touching that piece of shit.”
“Watch it yourself.
Then tell me how you feel about it.
It’s not even anger.
It’s PTSD.”

Thus, I (Sunny) am going to finish up this review with some Deep Thoughts™ on the next 2 episodes.

Episode 2 Review: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Sunny here to finish up the reviews. I’ll make it quick.

First, let’s check out a clip of some fight scene from Iron Fist to get an idea of how the fighting looks. I can’t tell you what episode it’s from because I’m not gonna watch the whole season to figure out:

Alright so the episode starts off with him still looking pretty homeless strapped in some bed at a psychiatric hospital. By the way I skipped around a lot because I really don’t wanna watch something I know is gonna be bad.

He’s involuntarily committed in a mental hospital for the whole episode because they think he’s crazy. At some point he get’s strapped into a bed by orderlies. Then some random crazy guy named Simon who, in the beginning of the episode, impersonated a doctor, held a fork to Danny’s neck, and told him to kill himself, is still allowed to roam free around the halls. Simon unstraps Danny because this mental hospital just lets dangerous people walk around unsupervised.

No Fights Until the End

Some people talk in one scene about whether he’s really Danny Rand or not. Well, the family is rich so they may as well DNA test the guy, but I guess no one had that idea. After that a bunch of boring stuff I skipped through happens with the dad finally starting to think he’s Danny Rand and some cringey scenes of him meditating, doing kung fu poses, and sitting on a mountain in robes. We finally get to a fight scene at the end of the episode where some guys beat him with some 12 inch long wood sticks instead of any other more effective weapon that they could have brought. The fight scene feels considerably clumsy and slow, with enough cuts between different angles to make you not sure what’s really happening. Danny just uses a bunch of questionable kicks to take the 3 goons out with the big finish move of a jumping double leg kick to some guys chest that anyone could see coming.

danny doing a double leg kick into some goon
He ran from one side of the room to the other and did this. Yes this is like VHS quality video.

He escapes by finally using his Iron Fist power to punch open a metal door and runs off into the night.

Episode 3

I skipped around some more because I don’t wanna be here all night. Danny ends up hiding out at Colleen Wing’s dojo. The goons looking for Danny get manhandled by Colleen, etc. The next morning Danny is doing some Tai Chi and starts lecturing Colleen about Kung Fu. They start sparring in slow motion, ending with Danny showing her some leopard punch technique that is basically punching someone underhand with half a fist in a way that would realistically generate no force.

leopard punch fist
This is going to be used in an underground cage match later.

A bunch of whatevz real estate dealings happens that I just skipped over. Danny is on some doorstep sitting cross legged burning incense and explaining to his sister (I think) that it’s a Buddhist tradition. Danny sure likes explaining Asian stuff while wearing the same pair of sweat pants for the several days. At one point, a lawyer actually tells him he looks like a homeless hipster–spot on.

In another scene, Danny walks into the dojo while a class is in session. He starts lecturing the students about having respect and doing the techniques right. This part was particularly poorly acted, with Danny sounding like he’s trying to channel a wise old man. It comes off melodramatic, didactic, and wooden.

Famous Fight Scene

Oh, you remember that fight scene video from earlier? It happens in this episode and it sure is heavily edited. I didn’t notice this the first time through, but the enemy in this scene has a knife and, instead of stabbing Danny anywhere on his body, aims straight for the book he’s holding in front of him. HMMMM.

stabbing a book
Right for the book, where he’s most vulnerable.

There’s also one extremely telegraphed punch that literally looks like a guy running forward with his fist out. Some more boring stuff happens after, then we go to Colleen entering an underground money fight for some reason.

David vs Goliath Cage Match

bro fighter stares down colleen
Sup brah, wrong weight class brah.

Colleen’s cage match is of somewhat higher quality than the other fights, but still not choreographed all that well. We actually see her use an armbar–an actual real life jiu jitsu move–but it looks really unrealistic when you have a ~130lb girl doing it to some guy a foot taller than her who has at least 100lbs on her as well. It really looks like he could have just lifted her entire body up and slammed her off, but instead he just bites her leg. Remember that Leopard Punch special attack Danny showed her? Well she ends up using it on this roided out fighter, punching him in the highly vulnerable spot of his lower shoulder from the ground, against gravity, using a half open fist thrown with a bent elbow. She wins the fight by pounding him into the ground with a bunch of really light looking punches that she puts 0 of her body weight into.

colleen's punch to the shoulder
My only weakness!

Danny Climbs a Building

Some more boring legal stuff happens with Danny trying to claim his place. He finally changes out of his sweat pants, sporting a suit for the meeting. The meeting doesn’t go too well, so he decides to climb up the side of a 20 story building to try to get some evidence of shady dealings. The episode ends with him opening a window and getting pushed off by some mystery man.

I really don’t care about this show so I’m gonna end this review by saying I have no desire to watch any further episodes.

And if you don’t want to watch Iron Fist, here’s an article about all the important stuff that happens in it so you don’t have to see it for yourself.

Andrew the Angry

Andrew the Angry

Andrew is one angry man in world of BS. He loves to rant about comics, TV shows, movies--actually, pretty much anything. You can find him by listening for the sounds of complaint somewhere on the winds of the world.
Andrew the Angry

Post Author: Andrew the Angry

Andrew is one angry man in world of BS. He loves to rant about comics, TV shows, movies–actually, pretty much anything. You can find him by listening for the sounds of complaint somewhere on the winds of the world.

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